michael

Jack and I done the 15k tough mudder and are fundraising for mental health.  I have suffered most of my life with depression, thankfully the last 2 years i've just lived with it.  Using charities like the MIND i've learnt to recognise the signs, change my mindset, diet and overall health.  Next is a status i shared on facebook when i started my mental health journey.........

This is my depression confession.  Firstly, I’m not one to air my dirty laundry on facebook, this also isn’t for likes or sympathy, just in the hope it can potentially help somebody else, I know, what an ego right! For as long as I can remember, 20 years or so (although some of you may say longer!), I’ve felt my head wasn’t quite wired straight, about 15 years ago I went to a councillor once and the doctor who then gave me medication, but I didn’t follow it up, I’m not sure why. Pride, fear, whatever.  Maybe I just didn’t want to be reliant on tablets, ironic as I chose to ‘self medicate’ for a number of those years.  Anyway, I digress, the reason for this post is I recently started taking medication and although I am still in the early stages, meaning tweaks will be required due to varying side effects (nothing bad, but my brain is being rewired so to be expected) I am actually able to think with the most clarity in 20 years! I have never been much of a fan of myself, like a lot of people I could only see my flaws, and my little voice in my head would tell me them over and over and over.  Imagine, your own worst enemy that knows all your weaknesses living inside your brain. My good days, which could last weeks, months, years I feel I could run through a wall and come out unharmed, my bad days, well, too many people I love will read this, so I won’t divulge too much through fear of hurting them more than I already have.  When I sink into the abyss I am able to hide it from the rest of the world yet those that love me would be forced to watch, or in some cases I would be dragging them down by the ankles with me, forcing my own misery on them through no fault of their own.  Everybody was supportive, but at the end of the day I never stood up to be counted and walk through the door that had been wide open a long time.  I cannot take back the past, but I can learn from it, I just wanted to put this out there in the hope people can learn from my mistake as well.  When the medication started to kick in I had a week off work, when I came back on the Monday I decided I wasn’t going to hide it any longer, I was going to own this, and told everybody the reason why I was off.  I work on a building site, so not the easiest place to come clean about something like this, and after not only were people supportive but I was surprised how many people came up to me on their own and admitted they were/are on them.  For me it will be for life, I know that, but I’m treating it like a diabetic would their insulin.  I am smiling about it all, nothing morbid, and calling it my new adventure telling people what it is like and if any side effects are happening at the moment, excessive sweating was one so 3 shirts in a day I went through and I had to air them outside, plus the odd toilet dash/waddle, you’ve got to laugh about it as I promise you these little things are much better than living in darkness.  It should be a normal conversation, it’s not our fault we have it, but we can only blame ourselves if we choose to do nothing about it.  All the mental health awareness in the world is useless if we refuse to do what we need to do.  When you are hungry, your body tells you to eat, your brain is just asking for a little solder maybe, to fix a severed connection, we shouldn’t ignore it.  I made a 15 year mistake, but I could potentially have 50 years left so that’s what I’m looking to.  Ringing/seeing the doctor will be scary and he will be blasé about it all but that’s because this is his bread and butter, he needs to disassociate to an extent otherwise he wouldn’t be that good. Anyway, that’s all for me, if anybody wants to talk I will help where I can, you can join me on my adventure.

I love you all

Be kind